The Best Meal To Have Before an Upper Decker

This is a topic of great debate. What should you eat before you take an upper decker? Well, I must say you normally don’t plan too far out for an upper decker, and it really does depend on your bowel movement schedule. However, for those especially sick people that really don’t have anything else going on in their lives or anything to live for, you may actually plan out your meal before an upper decker.   If I was a betting man, I would say that the kind of person that would shit in another man’s toilet tank ain’t the kind of man that plans ahead. Who am I to judge others?

Homemade Meal: Baby Back Ribs

The down side for this option is you really have to plan ahead.  I mean, you have to know that you want to drop an upper decker the day before. The great part is that you will really enjoy the anticipation by preparing the meal, it’ll taste great, and then the porky goodness will find a new (temporary) home in the cozy toilet tank.

  • upper decker
    I want my Baby Back Ribs! Thanks J.Abroad!

    1 slab of baby back pork ribs

  • 2-3 TBS of your favorite spice rub
  • Your favorite BBQ Sauce for glazin
  1. Peel off the membrane on the bone side of the slab.
  2. Generously cover the slab with the spice rub then cover with plastic wrap. Place in the fridge for at least 3 hours or over night.
  3. Smoke the ribs over cherry or apple wood for 3 hrs at 225F.
  4. Wrap the ribs tightly with a pouch of foil. Before closing up the pouch, add 1/3 cup of apple juice, beer, or orange juice.
  5. Place the foil pouch of ribs in an oven, smoker, or grill at 300 for 2 hours.
  6. Remove the ribs from the pouch, lightly glaze, then broil or grill for a 1-2 minutes to caramelize slightly.
  7. Let cool for 3-5 mins, put on a bib, and enjoy!

 International Flair

Check out your nearest Indian restaurant.  Go for something special, like goat.  Be bold.

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Goat Curry! Thanks E.Kim!

You’re going to be make a bold move later when you lay out the upper decker.  I would suggest you refer to the spiciness indicator on the menu, usually a little pepper icon.  The more peppers the better, and don’t worry if the server isn’t on board. In fact, the server will probably warn you and highly recommend that you do not have the 10 star spiciness level – ignore the recommendation. You need to have some fiery food. This will add an exclamation point when the poor fool cleans up that toilet.

Fast Food Option

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Nom Nom Nom. Taco Bell Brings the Upper Decker Strong. Thanks L.Bennett

Well, this one is easy.  Taco Bell. Pretty much anything will do but you may want to focus on the cheapest menu items here.  What’s the point if you’re just going to take a shit as an act of vandalism? I would highly suggest a taco party pack – the volume of food and the corresponding poop will help make your point.

Gluten Free

Uh, what? Just have a pot of beans.  Any kind of beans will do.

Vegan Options

Well, you dirty hippy, see above.  Maybe you can have some quinoa if you want to mix it up a bit.  Add some sticks and berries if they are in season.

Lactose Intolerant

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That’s longer than I expected! That’s what she said! Thanks Pam&Frank

I truly have sympathy for you.  What a miserable existence if you’re missing out on cheese, sour cream, cream cheese, yogurt, and milk. This one is easy though.  You’ll want to have a 1/2 gallon of ice cream, any flavor will do.  The best part about being lactose intolerant is that you will be able to unload an upper decker in short order!

Have you been a victim of an upper decker?  If so, we want to know!  Share your story by clicking here.  If you have pictures, then we want to see them.  Become a celebrity not a victim!

The 5 Worst Things About Receiving Upper Deckers

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Evidence of an Upper Decker

1. It took you a week to figure out that a prank went down at your party. No, not a prank, an upper decker is pure vandalism. The day after the party, you knew it was epic.  There was garbage everywhere, empty beer bottles, panties, a bloody tank top, and where the hell is the $!*@# cat??!  The whole house smelled a little funny anyway, you know, with the debris all over, but why wouldn’t the toilet flush properly…?
2. You are such an awful person that someone thought that it would be a good idea to take a dump “upstairs.”  Your years of being a dick have finally caught up with you.  Maybe you started banging your best friend’s little sister, maybe it was his mom, or maybe something even more progressive and open minded than that.  Maybe you just got fuckin’ hammered a few weeks back and yakked in someone’s washing machine after mistaking it for a toilet.

3. There is a truly repulsive aroma being emitted from your bathroom and you can’t seem to figure out why.  You finally got the rest of the house to stop smelling like a frat house party.  Sure, it did take a few days and several trips to the dumpster, but you did it.  You still haven’t found the cat but those things are pretty darn self sufficient.  That other bathroom in the guest bedroom still smells like a freakin’ sewage plant and little floaters keep showing up after every flush.  Checking the flapper reveals the worst scenario: Upper Decker aftermath.
4. You are going to have to clean up the human (hopefully?) feces out of the toilet.  This is no small task and many people just opt to call a plumb, a noble profession, just to avoid fishing out the poopy.  If you’re lucky, and if you have received an upper decker, trust me, you aren’t lucky…but I digress.  If you’re lucky, then the poop is solid and you can reasonably take care of this clean up job.  Or, you can be a real jerk (see #2) and get one of your idiot friends trashed and bet him (or her) to clean up for you.  Here is how you can clean up an upper decker.
5. Someone shit in the toilet tank.  Enough said.

Check out what to eat before an upper decker for maximum impact!

Have you been a victim of an upper decker?  If so, we want to know!  Share your story by clicking here.  If you have pictures, then we want to see them.  Become a celebrity not a victim!