Top 10 Things About an Upper Decker

upper decker
The view if you are about to let one drop.

There are various definitions of an “upper decker,” but they all contain a common theme – leaving a deuce in the back tank of a toilet. Your initial reaction might be, “Why would someone do that?” While we can’t address every reason to leave an upper decker, below are the top 10 things that make it awesome.

  1. As we all were taught, it is better to give than to receive. Never has this been more true than with an upper decker.
  2. A well timed upper decker will allow your deuce to marinate for hours or even days before discovery by the unsuspecting recipient. Every parent wants his/her child to live a full fulfilling life, and planting your deuce in the back tank gives your child time to mature to its full potential.
  3. When was the last time you sat on the back of your toilet? Exactly – a fresh perspective on your bathroom might be just what you need to gain a fresh perspective on life.
  4. After leaving an upper decker, no need to flush the toilet!
  5. When confronted by the recipient, you will get a chance to practice your indignant reaction. “How dare you accuse me of doing such a thing?” and if done properly, you can shame the recipient in addition to giving them the deuce present.
  6. If upper decker-ing in a crowded location, it will encourage you to have smooth and speedy bowel movements so as not to draw attention to yourself. If you needed an excuse for a high-fiber, balanced diet this is it!
  7. Leaving an upper decker in an enemy’s tank releases stress and tension. Really, it is the healthful decision for a good night’s sleep.
  8. The economy is down. Be patriotic. Upper decker-ing promotes the purchase of bathroom cleaning products, hand sanitizer, and rubber gloves.
  9. Struggling for conversation on your last first date or holiday family party? Not anymore – “Hey, do you know what an upper decker is? Let me tell you a story…”
  10. Live your dream of being a professional baseball player. Drop a bomb into the upper deck. Home run!

Have you been a victim of an upper decker?  If so, we want to know!  Share your story by clicking here.  If you have pictures, then we want to see them.  Become a celebrity not a victim!

prank poop
Poop

Origins of Upper Decker

One of our most frequently asked questions is, “who dropped the first upper decker? Like big foot or the lochness monster, everyone knows about it, yet few have basked in its glory. It has become an urban legend, with a few good stories repeated time and time again. Rarely in the first person, but always “my friend’s brothers roommate was at this party,” etc. If we had to date the origin though, I’m sure it would be shortly after the first toilet with a reachable back tank. For the inquisitive mind it is only natural to wonder what would happen if you did “that” in “there.” Personally, I like to think the upper decker has always been around in one form or another. In the era of chamber pots, I suspect that it least once someone dropped a number two on the shelf next to the chamber pot instead of in it, an upper decker of sorts.
By: Billy El Deuco     
        

Start You Upper Decker Adventure

While we may never know the exact answer, I’ve constructed a few likely scenarios that I thought you might enjoy. In “choose your own UD adventure” style, please pick what you think would be the most likely original upper decker scenario.

 

[table id=1 /]

       

Accident

 

The believers that the first upper decker was an accident are the eternal optimists of the world. Just as Fleming accidentally discovered Penicillin, and it became one of the most widely used antibiotics, they believe that the first upper decker was a happy accident that turned in to something wonderful. This also coincides with the religious viewpoint that “everything happens for a reason.” Why shouldn’t this apply to our bowel movements as well? Of course, the reason that we defecate every day is to get rid of the toxic waste that accumulates in our body, but that is neither here nor there. Modern plumbing dictates where our number 2’s should go, but one accidental mis-poop could have created a legendary prank.

[table id=2 /]
       

Drunken-ness?

One of the great aspects of drinking is the unpredictability of your actions. No booze and your plan is to stay home and watch a movie? Guess what – you will stay home and watch a movie. Excessive booze and your plan is to stay home and watch a movie? Next thing you know, your skinny dipping in your neighbor’s pool or streaking down the street singing “Eye of the Tiger” at the top of your lungs. So the first upper decker came out of a drunken bender, and it actually was a lady. She had so much to drink that she was seeing double, and was trying to focus using a move I call “one-eyeing.” She went into the bathroom seeing double, and thought she was sitting on the lower bowl portion of the toilet, but was actually on the tank. She went to flush and looked into the actual bowl, but didn’t see anything. Thinking, “Man – I must be really wasted – I could have sworn I just took a shit,” she went off to bed and didn’t discover her mistake until the next day.

 
Back to Beginning
 

       

Blindness?

No disrespect intended for any of our visually challenged friends, but the first upper decker was dropped by a blind man. Actually, not only was he a blind man, but he was the tallest blind man on record, standing at 7’3” and named Mr. Decker. Most objects in this world are not made to accommodate a person of that height, and the toilet is no exception. His family loved him, and once they had saved up enough money, they did their best to accommodate his height with custom built chairs, counters and an extra-long bed. They surprised him with these gifts, and he was thrilled. After a lovely Sunday lunch with his new accommodations, he went to relieve himself and was thrilled to find that the toilet appeared to be raised as well to oblige his height. Although the seat was slightly uncomfortable, his knees weren’t up around his chin, and he was happy. Of course, when his family saw what he did, they didn’t have the heart to tell him, and immediately engaged a plumber to create a custom toilet for him without delay. The story of the custom toilet spread far and wide, and thus, the Mr. Decker was born (the upper added later).
 
Back to Beginning
 

       

Sleep Walking?

Sleep walking occurs most often in children, but is also well documented in adults. When a person is sleep walking, they are not dreaming, but are actually in a very deep phase of sleep, and their actions are usually of routine behaviors such as cleaning or cooking. This sleep walker, however, appeared to be a little confused. He did perform the routine behavior of going to the bathroom, but then apparently thought he was panning for gold. He stuck his hands in the bowl and pulled out his deuce. He thought the top tank of the toilet was his basket where he would carry the gold back to town, and put his deuce in there for safekeeping.

Back to Beginning

       

Maliciousness

The believers that the first upper decker was an act of maliciousness are the mischief-makers of the world. Revenge is a dish best served cold, or brown and smelly. Indeed, there have always been mischief makers in the world, and when resources are scarce, why not take advantage of a tool self-produced?

[table id=3 /]

       

Break-up revenge?

People date, fall in love, and they break-up. Anyone who tells you that the break-up was mutual was probably the one who got dumped. It’s never mutual. The first upper decker was break-up revenge. Lisa and Frank had been dating for 6 months. Lisa’s birthday was in February, and Frank went all out – flowers, dinner at a four star restaurant, and an expensive bracelet. One week later, Lisa started acting a little distant. Frank wasn’t too worried; he thought it could be her time of the month. The next week she asked to get together “to talk,” and Frank new this was it. He was pissed that he has spent all that money on her birthday, so insisted that they meet over at her place. After all, it was on her way home from work. Before “the talk” he went to use the restroom, and voila. The talk really didn’t bother him that much after he left his parting gift.

 
Back to Beginning
 

       

Caterer revenge?

Martha was a socialite who loved to throw lavish parties. She would hire a caterer and wait staff, and nothing was ever good enough. Her reputation was known all over town for being a royal bitch, but even with all the complaining throughout the evening she did tip well, and being seen at one of Martha’s soiree’s would guarantee you referral business from her guests. This particular night the catering company had a new employee that wasn’t familiar or prepared for Martha’s antics. Martha humiliated the new employee in front of everyone when she told her to “cover up her filthy tattoo” that was peeking out from under the cuff of her long sleeve white shirt. As the party would down and they were in the clean-up phase, the employee snuck in to the guest bathroom and dropped her upper decker. Martha suspected, but never knew for sure who had done it. Word got around about the upper decker, and while her friends acted horrified, they secretly smiled to themselves because they knew she deserved. Oddly, at future parties there would be a line for the other bathroom while that one remained empty.

 
Back to Beginning
 

       

About a girl?

The origins of so many things can be traced to good old fashioned competition over a lady. These two gentlemen had been competing for Ashley for weeks, and she had been stringing both of them along trying to make her decision. Ashley had a party at her house one Friday night, and it soon became apparent not only that she had made her decision, but that the victor would be staying the evening. The unfortunate losing suitor kept his game face on, and was determined to play dumb. He was the last one to leave, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he no longer had a chance. Before he left, he dropped his upper decker in the toilet, knowing that however much fun they had that night, the next morning would present a different story. As they say, “tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” but lesser known is the phrase, “tis better to have loved and lost and dropped an upper decker in the bitch’s toilet tank than never to have loved at all.”

 
Back to Beginning
 

       

Intentional

The intentional upper decker is often confused with maliciousness, but it is slightly different. The intentional upper decker originated from a person deucing in the top tank of the toilet, with no maliciousness or accident involved. This person wasn’t thinking about dropping an upper decker – he was just thinking about going to the bathroom. Only in hindsight did he realize that this action could take on a different meaning if viewed in an unique light.

[table id=4 /]

       

Foreign Customs?

Toilets are second nature to us now, but there are many people living across the world who have never had access to indoor plumbing. One such gentlemen, we will call him Faruq, upon viewing his first toilet was very perplexed. He had been going to the bathroom in a hole in the ground his whole life. This toilet, by modern standards, was pretty disgusting, but to Faruq it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. As he stared in to the glistening bowl, he was certain that he had misunderstood the instructions. Surely you weren’t supposed to defecate there, right? Looking for a more suitable place, he removed the lid over the toilet tank. The inside of the tank was moldy and little murky, and it also looked like it had a hole in the bottom to suck water and waste out. This looked like a more appropriate location to do the brown business, and so Faruq, thinking he was acting appropriately, deposited the first upper decker.

 
Back to Beginning
 

        

Potty Training?

Potty training can be a traumatic experience for a young child, and some psychologists will caution a parent not to discourage any creative bathroom ideas, especially not at first. So what was Jeff to do when his son, Bill, wanted to go to the bathroom at the same time as his dad? He tried to encourage the young boy to use his potty trainer, but Bill was insistent that this was not correct and that he needed to go in the “big boy” potty, but only at the same time as his dad. This was a bit of a logistical problem, since there is really only room for one butt on the toilet. Jeff, always resourceful, thought of a brilliant solution. He removed the lid from the tank, placed Bill on his shoulder, and father and son in unison participated in one of the sacred acts of manhood.

 
Back to Beginning
 

       

Dog Proofing?

On almost every chart rating a dog’s intelligence, Border Collies are rated as number one. This particular Border Collie, Brodie, was smart. He also wasn’t afraid to express his displeasure at being left alone. He did this by putting his owners’ shoes in the toilet. Easy enough to avoid – the owners decided to close the bathroom door when they left the dog home alone. The dog learned to open doors, just so he could place the shoes in the toilet. Of course, the owners could have crated Brodie when they left for the day, but deep down they were very proud of their dog, even if he was acting out and ruining shoes. It was a great story to tell their friends, and they were curious what else he could figure out. They found a child proof latch to put on the toilet when they were gone, and so far, Brodie hadn’t been able to figure out how to remove it. Unfortunately, the owners went out one evening for Mexican food, and one of them had a questionable chalupa. As they pulled into the driveway, it was all he could do to make it into the house. His wife had always been the one to remove the latch since she was the first up in the morning, and he couldn’t figure it out. In half a second he had to make a split decision – diarrhea in my pants or in the top of the toilet? He chose toilet. It never even occurred to him to use the bath tub.

 
Back to Beginning
 

Taco Bell Upper Decker

upper decker I work at a Taco Bell in Nashville. I haven’t been there long, so I have bathroom clean-up duty. What the hell is wrong with you people? Less than half of the people who use the toilet flush. It’s not clogged or anything, they just don’t flush. Someone new comes in to use the bathroom, and instead of flushing they move to the other stall. At least three times a day the manager gets notified that the bathroom needs to be cleaned and we already check it once an hour. I guess beans and processed cheese go straight through you. I swear if people would just flush their own shit Taco Bell could probably go back down to 49 cent taco prices.

One fun customer put a new twist on my daily bathroom torture duties. I went in at the normal time to the regular clogged toilets, piss and paper towels on the floor. At least it appeared that all the shit had made it into the toilet and not on the walls this time, so things were looking up. The first stall was legitimately clogged, so I grabbed the plunger and went to work. No problem except for the idiot who filled the toilet with toilet paper. It’s not a contest, dude.

The second stall was a little different. It was full of piss, but that was all. I flushed. The piss went down, the brown came in. What? I flushed again, and got more of the same. I pulled the lid off the tank, and as it was filling up, I saw what looked like a huge disintegrating turd. I couldn’t believe some asshole customer dropped an upper decker. There was no way in hell I was cleaning that shit up.

After I finished dry heaving I replaced the toilet lid and finished picking up the rest of the bathroom. Then I sprayed air freshener all over the bathroom. Hey all you cheap ass customers out there – just because it smells clean doesn’t mean it is. The next day was my day off, so I did 100 jumping jacks to work up a little sweat, let my heart rate calm down, and then told my manager I got sick and needed to go home. He looked at me a little funny, but he’s an asshole anyways. Luckily there has been some flu going around here lately and he’s a pansy ass little prick who is afraid of germs. Dude – don’t work at a Taco Bell then. I’m not sure what I’ll do next time. Maybe I need to start looking for a fast food restaurant I can work at that doesn’t have tanks on the back of the toilet.

The 5 Worst Things About Receiving Upper Deckers

upper decker
Evidence of an Upper Decker

1. It took you a week to figure out that a prank went down at your party. No, not a prank, an upper decker is pure vandalism. The day after the party, you knew it was epic.  There was garbage everywhere, empty beer bottles, panties, a bloody tank top, and where the hell is the $!*@# cat??!  The whole house smelled a little funny anyway, you know, with the debris all over, but why wouldn’t the toilet flush properly…?
2. You are such an awful person that someone thought that it would be a good idea to take a dump “upstairs.”  Your years of being a dick have finally caught up with you.  Maybe you started banging your best friend’s little sister, maybe it was his mom, or maybe something even more progressive and open minded than that.  Maybe you just got fuckin’ hammered a few weeks back and yakked in someone’s washing machine after mistaking it for a toilet.

3. There is a truly repulsive aroma being emitted from your bathroom and you can’t seem to figure out why.  You finally got the rest of the house to stop smelling like a frat house party.  Sure, it did take a few days and several trips to the dumpster, but you did it.  You still haven’t found the cat but those things are pretty darn self sufficient.  That other bathroom in the guest bedroom still smells like a freakin’ sewage plant and little floaters keep showing up after every flush.  Checking the flapper reveals the worst scenario: Upper Decker aftermath.
4. You are going to have to clean up the human (hopefully?) feces out of the toilet.  This is no small task and many people just opt to call a plumb, a noble profession, just to avoid fishing out the poopy.  If you’re lucky, and if you have received an upper decker, trust me, you aren’t lucky…but I digress.  If you’re lucky, then the poop is solid and you can reasonably take care of this clean up job.  Or, you can be a real jerk (see #2) and get one of your idiot friends trashed and bet him (or her) to clean up for you.  Here is how you can clean up an upper decker.
5. Someone shit in the toilet tank.  Enough said.

Check out what to eat before an upper decker for maximum impact!

Have you been a victim of an upper decker?  If so, we want to know!  Share your story by clicking here.  If you have pictures, then we want to see them.  Become a celebrity not a victim!