Evidence of an Upper Decker At Grandma’s House

We just got this little beauty in from Preston in Pennsylvania.

Upper Decker at Grandma’s House

upper deckerIt was five in the evening when I pulled into the driveway at my Grandma’s house. I liked the old woman, but spending more than a half hour with her would have anyone snoozing. I thought that if I caught her at dinner I could make a quick exit.Grandma’s house was an old Victorian in a wealthy part of town. I couldn’t hide my surprise when Grandma’s door opened, and a very young woman smiled at me.

“Hello,” she said. “I am the housekeeper here.” She had a Swedish accent and a tiny dress that had me thinking she liked to show off her hot bod.
“You want to see the lady?”
“Yes,” I said. I followed her into the house, and she lead me to the sitting room where my grandmother was having tea and cookies.
“Draw the curtain, Preston. The sun is in my eyes,” my grandmother said. She was a woman of few words and believed that the household help did not require common courtesy. The young housekeeper did as she was told and then left the room.

“She’s young,” I commented.

“Yes. She’s very odd. I’m going to fire her Thursday.”

“Odd?” I asked. I was already bored.

“Well for one thing, her resume listed something called upper decker as a skill. Have you ever heard of that?”

I coughed out a strangled laugh. “Upper decker?” There was no way I was going to explain that to my Grandma.

“Well she’s a terrible housekeeper,” Grandma went on. “I’ll get someone new after Thursday. She can’t seem to keep the toilets clean either.”

“Why Thursday?” I asked.

“She needs to be here when the plumber arrives. I’m having terrible trouble with my upstairs bathroom.”

I coughed again.

“Trouble?” I asked. My voice was squeaking as I tried to keep from laughing.

“It’s just awful,” she told me. “I’ll be needing a new toilet I’m afraid.”

After another few minutes of forced conversation, I excused myself to use the facilities. Instead of heading toward the downstairs guest bathroom, I made my way up the white carpeted staircase. I slipped into the bathroom next to my grandmother’s bedroom. The room was stark white and smelled like bleach. I carefully opened the lid to the bowl and saw nothing unusual. Then I opened the fresh water tank on top, and I almost gagged. The tank was filled with a brown gooey substance. It had a nauseating smell that immediately overtook the smell of bleach. It was an upper decker all right, and it was a nasty one. Little bits of solid poop floated in the dark, dirty water.

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Evidence of an Upper Decker

I covered my mouth and nose with one hand and flushed the toilet with the other. The disgusting water swirled into the bowl. I waited until the toilet stopped running and flushed again. Then I repeated the process three more times until the water in the tank was clear. When I stepped out of the bathroom, the housekeeper was standing in the hallway with a wicket grin on her face. “You were busy in there,” she said.

I couldn’t help but smile back. “So were you.”

“Your grandmother is an old witch,” she said. “I’m quitting Thursday after the plumber goes, but I’ll leave you my phone number.”

She took her duster and disappeared into one of the bedrooms.

Upper Decker Etiquette: Prank or Lavatory Terrorism

The Upper Decker – A Bold Move!

You’ve just made a very bold move at a party. No, you didn’t just make a move on the hottest girl (or guy) there, you just made your bowel move while perching over the toilet tank. There are two kinds of people in the world: people who have deposited an upper decker and people who have not. You just joined the elite group. But what is the right protocol? Where do you put the toilet paper? Do you initiate the first flush? Do you wash your hands?

You have a couple things to ask yourself – Do I want to lose a friend and gain an arch nemesis?  Should I keep things civil and “clean” so this unconventional prank will be seen as good-hearted?  Is this an act of lavatory terrorism?  First off, don’t be gross, you definitely need to wash your hands.  Let’s talk about the friendly prank.

Friendly Prank: This is going on the assumption that you want to remain friends with the owner of the toilet. Good.  People need friends, especially the kind of person that poops in the tank, you freaky upper decker fiend.  You should most definitely put the toilet paper down in the toilet bowl as normal.  Go ahead and flush since that will get the process going and the toilet owner will be alerted of the brown deposit sooner rather than later.  For the bolder, poop aficionado don’t flush and let the next bathroom visitor find the mess.

Lavatory Terrorism: In this case, the toilet owner is not your friend or has somehow wronged you or your close family.  The dude has some shit coming his way, literally.  Go on and drop your deuce in the top tank. You’ve gone rogue already by taking part in the delicacy of the  upper decker. You can leave that TP darn near anywhere: drawers, cabinets, trash cans, medicine cabinets, etc…  The sky is the limit here and you’re only limited by your imagination.  Again, please, please, please, wash your hands! I can’t emphasize it enough, especially if you’re putting used toilet paper all over the place!  You will want to lock the door of the bathroom and leave immediately because the next person going in that bathroom is not going to be happy.

What do YOU think?  Leave us comments about your take on upper decker etiquette.

Have you been a victim of an upper decker?  If so, we want to know!  Share your story by clicking here.  If you have pictures, then we want to see them.  Become a celebrity not a victim!

Top 10 Things About an Upper Decker

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The view if you are about to let one drop.

There are various definitions of an “upper decker,” but they all contain a common theme – leaving a deuce in the back tank of a toilet. Your initial reaction might be, “Why would someone do that?” While we can’t address every reason to leave an upper decker, below are the top 10 things that make it awesome.

  1. As we all were taught, it is better to give than to receive. Never has this been more true than with an upper decker.
  2. A well timed upper decker will allow your deuce to marinate for hours or even days before discovery by the unsuspecting recipient. Every parent wants his/her child to live a full fulfilling life, and planting your deuce in the back tank gives your child time to mature to its full potential.
  3. When was the last time you sat on the back of your toilet? Exactly – a fresh perspective on your bathroom might be just what you need to gain a fresh perspective on life.
  4. After leaving an upper decker, no need to flush the toilet!
  5. When confronted by the recipient, you will get a chance to practice your indignant reaction. “How dare you accuse me of doing such a thing?” and if done properly, you can shame the recipient in addition to giving them the deuce present.
  6. If upper decker-ing in a crowded location, it will encourage you to have smooth and speedy bowel movements so as not to draw attention to yourself. If you needed an excuse for a high-fiber, balanced diet this is it!
  7. Leaving an upper decker in an enemy’s tank releases stress and tension. Really, it is the healthful decision for a good night’s sleep.
  8. The economy is down. Be patriotic. Upper decker-ing promotes the purchase of bathroom cleaning products, hand sanitizer, and rubber gloves.
  9. Struggling for conversation on your last first date or holiday family party? Not anymore – “Hey, do you know what an upper decker is? Let me tell you a story…”
  10. Live your dream of being a professional baseball player. Drop a bomb into the upper deck. Home run!

Have you been a victim of an upper decker?  If so, we want to know!  Share your story by clicking here.  If you have pictures, then we want to see them.  Become a celebrity not a victim!

prank poop
Poop

The Ultimate Prank: Upper Decker With Fake Poop (Upper Decker Toilet Prank)

 Why Use Fake Poop for an Upper Decker

fake poopIf the idea of doing a number 2 in the tank of a toilet is not sitting well with you, but you love and appreciate a good prank, consider the fake poop  (FP) upper decker option.  This simple option allows all the shock of an upper decker without the associated clean-up.  Another plus is that you will want to hang around and take the credit; no worries about an over-reacting angry homeowner.  In many ways, this option is far superior to actually shitting in a toilet.  Also, if you’re a girl (calling you a lady would be a little presumptuous!), you can pull off this prank without losing too much face.  I mean, if you’re a chick taking an upper decker, well, I’m not sure what to think about that.

Where Do You Find Fake Poop?

Of course, this will take some planning, because you will need some FP.  Surprisingly enough this is not too difficult to find.  You can try to find a novelty shop locally, and here at upperdeckerpics.com we do fully support local businesses when ever we can.  We live in a consumer age, and there are a variety of sizes and colors to choose from, and also different animal varieties (human, dog, etc). With Amazon Prime, you can have this shipped to you in 2 days for free so it is a no brainer.  Don’t stress about your selection or worry too much about the authenticity.  After all, I’m sure there have been some number 2’s that have come out of you that no one would have believed!

I have fake poop – Now What?

fake poopOnce you procure your FP you need to do a test to make sure that it sinks.  Any vessel of water works for this test – a bowl of water, a glass of water, a decanter of wine, or a sink of water.  I would not recommend trying the sinker floater test in any hot beverage, especially hot chocolate or coffee.  Don’t ask how I know.  If you really want to be authentic I suggest trying it in your own toilet tank.  It will give you the proper perspective, and allow you to experiment with placement for the eventual prank.  If your FP is a floater, you will need to weigh it down.  You can easily accomplish this with a small rock  and a little glue.  Another great option if you’re a fisherman (or fisherwoman), is fishing weights.  You can thread a few inches of fishing line (Fluorocarbon variety with a 6# or greater rating is recommended) through the FP and attach the weights.  It is a nice touch if you make the FP really heavy for some unsuspecting toilet cleaner to find later.

 

Peanuts for an upper decker
Peanuts for an upper decker

A mixture of sinker and floaters is another option.  This adds another layer of authenticity and complexity, and it’s well worth the effort.  If you’re taking these steps, consider taking along a dozen kernels of canned sweet yellow corn and a dozen boiled peanuts.  I think you know what these are for and they do really make a difference.  Roasted peanuts are alright also since most people may not have boiled peanuts handy.

Continue reading “The Ultimate Prank: Upper Decker With Fake Poop (Upper Decker Toilet Prank)”

The Best Meal To Have Before an Upper Decker

This is a topic of great debate. What should you eat before you take an upper decker? Well, I must say you normally don’t plan too far out for an upper decker, and it really does depend on your bowel movement schedule. However, for those especially sick people that really don’t have anything else going on in their lives or anything to live for, you may actually plan out your meal before an upper decker.   If I was a betting man, I would say that the kind of person that would shit in another man’s toilet tank ain’t the kind of man that plans ahead. Who am I to judge others?

Homemade Meal: Baby Back Ribs

The down side for this option is you really have to plan ahead.  I mean, you have to know that you want to drop an upper decker the day before. The great part is that you will really enjoy the anticipation by preparing the meal, it’ll taste great, and then the porky goodness will find a new (temporary) home in the cozy toilet tank.

  • upper decker
    I want my Baby Back Ribs! Thanks J.Abroad!

    1 slab of baby back pork ribs

  • 2-3 TBS of your favorite spice rub
  • Your favorite BBQ Sauce for glazin
  1. Peel off the membrane on the bone side of the slab.
  2. Generously cover the slab with the spice rub then cover with plastic wrap. Place in the fridge for at least 3 hours or over night.
  3. Smoke the ribs over cherry or apple wood for 3 hrs at 225F.
  4. Wrap the ribs tightly with a pouch of foil. Before closing up the pouch, add 1/3 cup of apple juice, beer, or orange juice.
  5. Place the foil pouch of ribs in an oven, smoker, or grill at 300 for 2 hours.
  6. Remove the ribs from the pouch, lightly glaze, then broil or grill for a 1-2 minutes to caramelize slightly.
  7. Let cool for 3-5 mins, put on a bib, and enjoy!

 International Flair

Check out your nearest Indian restaurant.  Go for something special, like goat.  Be bold.

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Goat Curry! Thanks E.Kim!

You’re going to be make a bold move later when you lay out the upper decker.  I would suggest you refer to the spiciness indicator on the menu, usually a little pepper icon.  The more peppers the better, and don’t worry if the server isn’t on board. In fact, the server will probably warn you and highly recommend that you do not have the 10 star spiciness level – ignore the recommendation. You need to have some fiery food. This will add an exclamation point when the poor fool cleans up that toilet.

Fast Food Option

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Nom Nom Nom. Taco Bell Brings the Upper Decker Strong. Thanks L.Bennett

Well, this one is easy.  Taco Bell. Pretty much anything will do but you may want to focus on the cheapest menu items here.  What’s the point if you’re just going to take a shit as an act of vandalism? I would highly suggest a taco party pack – the volume of food and the corresponding poop will help make your point.

Gluten Free

Uh, what? Just have a pot of beans.  Any kind of beans will do.

Vegan Options

Well, you dirty hippy, see above.  Maybe you can have some quinoa if you want to mix it up a bit.  Add some sticks and berries if they are in season.

Lactose Intolerant

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That’s longer than I expected! That’s what she said! Thanks Pam&Frank

I truly have sympathy for you.  What a miserable existence if you’re missing out on cheese, sour cream, cream cheese, yogurt, and milk. This one is easy though.  You’ll want to have a 1/2 gallon of ice cream, any flavor will do.  The best part about being lactose intolerant is that you will be able to unload an upper decker in short order!

Have you been a victim of an upper decker?  If so, we want to know!  Share your story by clicking here.  If you have pictures, then we want to see them.  Become a celebrity not a victim!