Taco Bell Upper Decker

upper decker I work at a Taco Bell in Nashville. I haven’t been there long, so I have bathroom clean-up duty. What the hell is wrong with you people? Less than half of the people who use the toilet flush. It’s not clogged or anything, they just don’t flush. Someone new comes in to use the bathroom, and instead of flushing they move to the other stall. At least three times a day the manager gets notified that the bathroom needs to be cleaned and we already check it once an hour. I guess beans and processed cheese go straight through you. I swear if people would just flush their own shit Taco Bell could probably go back down to 49 cent taco prices.

One fun customer put a new twist on my daily bathroom torture duties. I went in at the normal time to the regular clogged toilets, piss and paper towels on the floor. At least it appeared that all the shit had made it into the toilet and not on the walls this time, so things were looking up. The first stall was legitimately clogged, so I grabbed the plunger and went to work. No problem except for the idiot who filled the toilet with toilet paper. It’s not a contest, dude.

The second stall was a little different. It was full of piss, but that was all. I flushed. The piss went down, the brown came in. What? I flushed again, and got more of the same. I pulled the lid off the tank, and as it was filling up, I saw what looked like a huge disintegrating turd. I couldn’t believe some asshole customer dropped an upper decker. There was no way in hell I was cleaning that shit up.

After I finished dry heaving I replaced the toilet lid and finished picking up the rest of the bathroom. Then I sprayed air freshener all over the bathroom. Hey all you cheap ass customers out there – just because it smells clean doesn’t mean it is. The next day was my day off, so I did 100 jumping jacks to work up a little sweat, let my heart rate calm down, and then told my manager I got sick and needed to go home. He looked at me a little funny, but he’s an asshole anyways. Luckily there has been some flu going around here lately and he’s a pansy ass little prick who is afraid of germs. Dude – don’t work at a Taco Bell then. I’m not sure what I’ll do next time. Maybe I need to start looking for a fast food restaurant I can work at that doesn’t have tanks on the back of the toilet.

The Best Meal To Have Before an Upper Decker

This is a topic of great debate. What should you eat before you take an upper decker? Well, I must say you normally don’t plan too far out for an upper decker, and it really does depend on your bowel movement schedule. However, for those especially sick people that really don’t have anything else going on in their lives or anything to live for, you may actually plan out your meal before an upper decker.   If I was a betting man, I would say that the kind of person that would shit in another man’s toilet tank ain’t the kind of man that plans ahead. Who am I to judge others?

Homemade Meal: Baby Back Ribs

The down side for this option is you really have to plan ahead.  I mean, you have to know that you want to drop an upper decker the day before. The great part is that you will really enjoy the anticipation by preparing the meal, it’ll taste great, and then the porky goodness will find a new (temporary) home in the cozy toilet tank.

  • upper decker
    I want my Baby Back Ribs! Thanks J.Abroad!

    1 slab of baby back pork ribs

  • 2-3 TBS of your favorite spice rub
  • Your favorite BBQ Sauce for glazin
  1. Peel off the membrane on the bone side of the slab.
  2. Generously cover the slab with the spice rub then cover with plastic wrap. Place in the fridge for at least 3 hours or over night.
  3. Smoke the ribs over cherry or apple wood for 3 hrs at 225F.
  4. Wrap the ribs tightly with a pouch of foil. Before closing up the pouch, add 1/3 cup of apple juice, beer, or orange juice.
  5. Place the foil pouch of ribs in an oven, smoker, or grill at 300 for 2 hours.
  6. Remove the ribs from the pouch, lightly glaze, then broil or grill for a 1-2 minutes to caramelize slightly.
  7. Let cool for 3-5 mins, put on a bib, and enjoy!

 International Flair

Check out your nearest Indian restaurant.  Go for something special, like goat.  Be bold.

upper decker
Goat Curry! Thanks E.Kim!

You’re going to be make a bold move later when you lay out the upper decker.  I would suggest you refer to the spiciness indicator on the menu, usually a little pepper icon.  The more peppers the better, and don’t worry if the server isn’t on board. In fact, the server will probably warn you and highly recommend that you do not have the 10 star spiciness level – ignore the recommendation. You need to have some fiery food. This will add an exclamation point when the poor fool cleans up that toilet.

Fast Food Option

upper decker
Nom Nom Nom. Taco Bell Brings the Upper Decker Strong. Thanks L.Bennett

Well, this one is easy.  Taco Bell. Pretty much anything will do but you may want to focus on the cheapest menu items here.  What’s the point if you’re just going to take a shit as an act of vandalism? I would highly suggest a taco party pack – the volume of food and the corresponding poop will help make your point.

Gluten Free

Uh, what? Just have a pot of beans.  Any kind of beans will do.

Vegan Options

Well, you dirty hippy, see above.  Maybe you can have some quinoa if you want to mix it up a bit.  Add some sticks and berries if they are in season.

Lactose Intolerant

upper decker
That’s longer than I expected! That’s what she said! Thanks Pam&Frank

I truly have sympathy for you.  What a miserable existence if you’re missing out on cheese, sour cream, cream cheese, yogurt, and milk. This one is easy though.  You’ll want to have a 1/2 gallon of ice cream, any flavor will do.  The best part about being lactose intolerant is that you will be able to unload an upper decker in short order!

Have you been a victim of an upper decker?  If so, we want to know!  Share your story by clicking here.  If you have pictures, then we want to see them.  Become a celebrity not a victim!