Yes, this happened.
Hottie Drops An Upper Decker
Yes, this happened.
If the idea of doing a number 2 in the tank of a toilet is not sitting well with you, but you love and appreciate a good prank, consider the fake poop (FP) upper decker option. This simple option allows all the shock of an upper decker without the associated clean-up. Another plus is that you will want to hang around and take the credit; no worries about an over-reacting angry homeowner. In many ways, this option is far superior to actually shitting in a toilet. Also, if you’re a girl (calling you a lady would be a little presumptuous!), you can pull off this prank without losing too much face. I mean, if you’re a chick taking an upper decker, well, I’m not sure what to think about that.
Once you procure your FP you need to do a test to make sure that it sinks. Any vessel of water works for this test – a bowl of water, a glass of water, a decanter of wine, or a sink of water. I would not recommend trying the sinker floater test in any hot beverage, especially hot chocolate or coffee. Don’t ask how I know. If you really want to be authentic I suggest trying it in your own toilet tank. It will give you the proper perspective, and allow you to experiment with placement for the eventual prank. If your FP is a floater, you will need to weigh it down. You can easily accomplish this with a small rock and a little glue. Another great option if you’re a fisherman (or fisherwoman), is fishing weights. You can thread a few inches of fishing line (Fluorocarbon variety with a 6# or greater rating is recommended) through the FP and attach the weights. It is a nice touch if you make the FP really heavy for some unsuspecting toilet cleaner to find later.
A mixture of sinker and floaters is another option. This adds another layer of authenticity and complexity, and it’s well worth the effort. If you’re taking these steps, consider taking along a dozen kernels of canned sweet yellow corn and a dozen boiled peanuts. I think you know what these are for and they do really make a difference. Roasted peanuts are alright also since most people may not have boiled peanuts handy.
One of our most frequently asked questions is, “who dropped the first upper decker? Like big foot or the lochness monster, everyone knows about it, yet few have basked in its glory. It has become an urban legend, with a few good stories repeated time and time again. Rarely in the first person, but always “my friend’s brothers roommate was at this party,” etc. If we had to date the origin though, I’m sure it would be shortly after the first toilet with a reachable back tank. For the inquisitive mind it is only natural to wonder what would happen if you did “that” in “there.” Personally, I like to think the upper decker has always been around in one form or another. In the era of chamber pots, I suspect that it least once someone dropped a number two on the shelf next to the chamber pot instead of in it, an upper decker of sorts.
By: Billy El Deuco
While we may never know the exact answer, I’ve constructed a few likely scenarios that I thought you might enjoy. In “choose your own UD adventure” style, please pick what you think would be the most likely original upper decker scenario.
The believers that the first upper decker was an accident are the eternal optimists of the world. Just as Fleming accidentally discovered Penicillin, and it became one of the most widely used antibiotics, they believe that the first upper decker was a happy accident that turned in to something wonderful. This also coincides with the religious viewpoint that “everything happens for a reason.” Why shouldn’t this apply to our bowel movements as well? Of course, the reason that we defecate every day is to get rid of the toxic waste that accumulates in our body, but that is neither here nor there. Modern plumbing dictates where our number 2’s should go, but one accidental mis-poop could have created a legendary prank.
One of the great aspects of drinking is the unpredictability of your actions. No booze and your plan is to stay home and watch a movie? Guess what – you will stay home and watch a movie. Excessive booze and your plan is to stay home and watch a movie? Next thing you know, your skinny dipping in your neighbor’s pool or streaking down the street singing “Eye of the Tiger” at the top of your lungs. So the first upper decker came out of a drunken bender, and it actually was a lady. She had so much to drink that she was seeing double, and was trying to focus using a move I call “one-eyeing.” She went into the bathroom seeing double, and thought she was sitting on the lower bowl portion of the toilet, but was actually on the tank. She went to flush and looked into the actual bowl, but didn’t see anything. Thinking, “Man – I must be really wasted – I could have sworn I just took a shit,” she went off to bed and didn’t discover her mistake until the next day.
No disrespect intended for any of our visually challenged friends, but the first upper decker was dropped by a blind man. Actually, not only was he a blind man, but he was the tallest blind man on record, standing at 7’3” and named Mr. Decker. Most objects in this world are not made to accommodate a person of that height, and the toilet is no exception. His family loved him, and once they had saved up enough money, they did their best to accommodate his height with custom built chairs, counters and an extra-long bed. They surprised him with these gifts, and he was thrilled. After a lovely Sunday lunch with his new accommodations, he went to relieve himself and was thrilled to find that the toilet appeared to be raised as well to oblige his height. Although the seat was slightly uncomfortable, his knees weren’t up around his chin, and he was happy. Of course, when his family saw what he did, they didn’t have the heart to tell him, and immediately engaged a plumber to create a custom toilet for him without delay. The story of the custom toilet spread far and wide, and thus, the Mr. Decker was born (the upper added later).
Back to Beginning
Sleep walking occurs most often in children, but is also well documented in adults. When a person is sleep walking, they are not dreaming, but are actually in a very deep phase of sleep, and their actions are usually of routine behaviors such as cleaning or cooking. This sleep walker, however, appeared to be a little confused. He did perform the routine behavior of going to the bathroom, but then apparently thought he was panning for gold. He stuck his hands in the bowl and pulled out his deuce. He thought the top tank of the toilet was his basket where he would carry the gold back to town, and put his deuce in there for safekeeping.
The believers that the first upper decker was an act of maliciousness are the mischief-makers of the world. Revenge is a dish best served cold, or brown and smelly. Indeed, there have always been mischief makers in the world, and when resources are scarce, why not take advantage of a tool self-produced?
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People date, fall in love, and they break-up. Anyone who tells you that the break-up was mutual was probably the one who got dumped. It’s never mutual. The first upper decker was break-up revenge. Lisa and Frank had been dating for 6 months. Lisa’s birthday was in February, and Frank went all out – flowers, dinner at a four star restaurant, and an expensive bracelet. One week later, Lisa started acting a little distant. Frank wasn’t too worried; he thought it could be her time of the month. The next week she asked to get together “to talk,” and Frank new this was it. He was pissed that he has spent all that money on her birthday, so insisted that they meet over at her place. After all, it was on her way home from work. Before “the talk” he went to use the restroom, and voila. The talk really didn’t bother him that much after he left his parting gift.
Martha was a socialite who loved to throw lavish parties. She would hire a caterer and wait staff, and nothing was ever good enough. Her reputation was known all over town for being a royal bitch, but even with all the complaining throughout the evening she did tip well, and being seen at one of Martha’s soiree’s would guarantee you referral business from her guests. This particular night the catering company had a new employee that wasn’t familiar or prepared for Martha’s antics. Martha humiliated the new employee in front of everyone when she told her to “cover up her filthy tattoo” that was peeking out from under the cuff of her long sleeve white shirt. As the party would down and they were in the clean-up phase, the employee snuck in to the guest bathroom and dropped her upper decker. Martha suspected, but never knew for sure who had done it. Word got around about the upper decker, and while her friends acted horrified, they secretly smiled to themselves because they knew she deserved. Oddly, at future parties there would be a line for the other bathroom while that one remained empty.
The origins of so many things can be traced to good old fashioned competition over a lady. These two gentlemen had been competing for Ashley for weeks, and she had been stringing both of them along trying to make her decision. Ashley had a party at her house one Friday night, and it soon became apparent not only that she had made her decision, but that the victor would be staying the evening. The unfortunate losing suitor kept his game face on, and was determined to play dumb. He was the last one to leave, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he no longer had a chance. Before he left, he dropped his upper decker in the toilet, knowing that however much fun they had that night, the next morning would present a different story. As they say, “tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” but lesser known is the phrase, “tis better to have loved and lost and dropped an upper decker in the bitch’s toilet tank than never to have loved at all.”
The intentional upper decker is often confused with maliciousness, but it is slightly different. The intentional upper decker originated from a person deucing in the top tank of the toilet, with no maliciousness or accident involved. This person wasn’t thinking about dropping an upper decker – he was just thinking about going to the bathroom. Only in hindsight did he realize that this action could take on a different meaning if viewed in an unique light.
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Toilets are second nature to us now, but there are many people living across the world who have never had access to indoor plumbing. One such gentlemen, we will call him Faruq, upon viewing his first toilet was very perplexed. He had been going to the bathroom in a hole in the ground his whole life. This toilet, by modern standards, was pretty disgusting, but to Faruq it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. As he stared in to the glistening bowl, he was certain that he had misunderstood the instructions. Surely you weren’t supposed to defecate there, right? Looking for a more suitable place, he removed the lid over the toilet tank. The inside of the tank was moldy and little murky, and it also looked like it had a hole in the bottom to suck water and waste out. This looked like a more appropriate location to do the brown business, and so Faruq, thinking he was acting appropriately, deposited the first upper decker.
Potty training can be a traumatic experience for a young child, and some psychologists will caution a parent not to discourage any creative bathroom ideas, especially not at first. So what was Jeff to do when his son, Bill, wanted to go to the bathroom at the same time as his dad? He tried to encourage the young boy to use his potty trainer, but Bill was insistent that this was not correct and that he needed to go in the “big boy” potty, but only at the same time as his dad. This was a bit of a logistical problem, since there is really only room for one butt on the toilet. Jeff, always resourceful, thought of a brilliant solution. He removed the lid from the tank, placed Bill on his shoulder, and father and son in unison participated in one of the sacred acts of manhood.
On almost every chart rating a dog’s intelligence, Border Collies are rated as number one. This particular Border Collie, Brodie, was smart. He also wasn’t afraid to express his displeasure at being left alone. He did this by putting his owners’ shoes in the toilet. Easy enough to avoid – the owners decided to close the bathroom door when they left the dog home alone. The dog learned to open doors, just so he could place the shoes in the toilet. Of course, the owners could have crated Brodie when they left for the day, but deep down they were very proud of their dog, even if he was acting out and ruining shoes. It was a great story to tell their friends, and they were curious what else he could figure out. They found a child proof latch to put on the toilet when they were gone, and so far, Brodie hadn’t been able to figure out how to remove it. Unfortunately, the owners went out one evening for Mexican food, and one of them had a questionable chalupa. As they pulled into the driveway, it was all he could do to make it into the house. His wife had always been the one to remove the latch since she was the first up in the morning, and he couldn’t figure it out. In half a second he had to make a split decision – diarrhea in my pants or in the top of the toilet? He chose toilet. It never even occurred to him to use the bath tub.
I work at a Taco Bell in Nashville. I haven’t been there long, so I have bathroom clean-up duty. What the hell is wrong with you people? Less than half of the people who use the toilet flush. It’s not clogged or anything, they just don’t flush. Someone new comes in to use the bathroom, and instead of flushing they move to the other stall. At least three times a day the manager gets notified that the bathroom needs to be cleaned and we already check it once an hour. I guess beans and processed cheese go straight through you. I swear if people would just flush their own shit Taco Bell could probably go back down to 49 cent taco prices.
One fun customer put a new twist on my daily bathroom torture duties. I went in at the normal time to the regular clogged toilets, piss and paper towels on the floor. At least it appeared that all the shit had made it into the toilet and not on the walls this time, so things were looking up. The first stall was legitimately clogged, so I grabbed the plunger and went to work. No problem except for the idiot who filled the toilet with toilet paper. It’s not a contest, dude.
The second stall was a little different. It was full of piss, but that was all. I flushed. The piss went down, the brown came in. What? I flushed again, and got more of the same. I pulled the lid off the tank, and as it was filling up, I saw what looked like a huge disintegrating turd. I couldn’t believe some asshole customer dropped an upper decker. There was no way in hell I was cleaning that shit up.
After I finished dry heaving I replaced the toilet lid and finished picking up the rest of the bathroom. Then I sprayed air freshener all over the bathroom. Hey all you cheap ass customers out there – just because it smells clean doesn’t mean it is. The next day was my day off, so I did 100 jumping jacks to work up a little sweat, let my heart rate calm down, and then told my manager I got sick and needed to go home. He looked at me a little funny, but he’s an asshole anyways. Luckily there has been some flu going around here lately and he’s a pansy ass little prick who is afraid of germs. Dude – don’t work at a Taco Bell then. I’m not sure what I’ll do next time. Maybe I need to start looking for a fast food restaurant I can work at that doesn’t have tanks on the back of the toilet.
This is a topic of great debate. What should you eat before you take an upper decker? Well, I must say you normally don’t plan too far out for an upper decker, and it really does depend on your bowel movement schedule. However, for those especially sick people that really don’t have anything else going on in their lives or anything to live for, you may actually plan out your meal before an upper decker. If I was a betting man, I would say that the kind of person that would shit in another man’s toilet tank ain’t the kind of man that plans ahead. Who am I to judge others?
The down side for this option is you really have to plan ahead. I mean, you have to know that you want to drop an upper decker the day before. The great part is that you will really enjoy the anticipation by preparing the meal, it’ll taste great, and then the porky goodness will find a new (temporary) home in the cozy toilet tank.
1 slab of baby back pork ribs
Check out your nearest Indian restaurant. Go for something special, like goat. Be bold.
You’re going to be make a bold move later when you lay out the upper decker. I would suggest you refer to the spiciness indicator on the menu, usually a little pepper icon. The more peppers the better, and don’t worry if the server isn’t on board. In fact, the server will probably warn you and highly recommend that you do not have the 10 star spiciness level – ignore the recommendation. You need to have some fiery food. This will add an exclamation point when the poor fool cleans up that toilet.
Well, this one is easy. Taco Bell. Pretty much anything will do but you may want to focus on the cheapest menu items here. What’s the point if you’re just going to take a shit as an act of vandalism? I would highly suggest a taco party pack – the volume of food and the corresponding poop will help make your point.
Uh, what? Just have a pot of beans. Any kind of beans will do.
Well, you dirty hippy, see above. Maybe you can have some quinoa if you want to mix it up a bit. Add some sticks and berries if they are in season.
I truly have sympathy for you. What a miserable existence if you’re missing out on cheese, sour cream, cream cheese, yogurt, and milk. This one is easy though. You’ll want to have a 1/2 gallon of ice cream, any flavor will do. The best part about being lactose intolerant is that you will be able to unload an upper decker in short order!
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